Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife puts groceries on the conveyor belt like there may be an award for most organized.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 30, 2020
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) February 6, 2020
Husband: I’d like to cash in one of the massage coupons you gave me last year for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I’m sorry, those are now expired. This isn’t Bed Bath and Beyond.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 8, 2020
Me: I can’t fall asleep at night
Doctor: Okay, right after you lay down for sleep, ask your wife how her day was and that should fix it
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 5, 2020
Unsolicited marriage advice for the day:
Get your own comforter.
— Lezz Mom? (@lezzimomof2) February 9, 2020
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 28, 2020
ME: *sets down anything*
WIFE: [from the other room] please don’t leave that there
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 1, 2020
Me: Want me to go grocery shopping?
Wife: NO. I’ll do it. All you do is text me questions the whole time.
Husbanding level: Expert.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 8, 2020
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 2, 2020
Me: I burnt my tongue and lost all sense of taste.
Wife: That explains the cargo shorts.
— The Dad (@thedad) February 6, 2020
Me: babe I’ve been sick in bed so long I think I’m getting bed sores
Husband: that’s not a bed sore it’s a pepperoni
Me: *tastes it* oh you’re right
Husband: please stop eating in bed
— Vision Bored ? (@VisionBored1) February 4, 2020
My wife and I are sitting on the couch for hours, I get up and walk into the bathroom. My wife runs in ahead of me and says “Wait, I have to pee.”
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 8, 2020
Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) January 29, 2020
For Valentine’s Day, I just want for my husband to find whatever it is that he’s looking for without my help
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) February 7, 2020
My wife still brings up the one time in 2013 when I cried in pain because of a paper cut, while she was in labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 28, 2020
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 9, 2020
*fan turns on*
*foyer light goes off*
Wife: the middle one
Me: finally turns on the living room light in the house we’ve lived in for over a decade.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 2, 2020
A wise man once said “you’re right” to his wife.
They lived happily ever after.
— *Lady V* (@tanbotha24) February 8, 2020
My husband spends more time pushing the garbage down than actually taking it out.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 30, 2020
My wife’s been yelling “LOVE IT OR LIST IT” into the voice remote for 3 minutes now and I just don’t have the heart to tell her I took the batteries out for my gameboy.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) February 8, 2020
Me: Why are we fighting?
Wife: Because you walked into the house and spoke.
~excerpt from my upcoming book, Rules of Marriage Engagement
— Aunt Chelle ? ?? ?️? (@ravenswng_) January 30, 2020
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 5, 2020
Me [opening laptop]: What’s our computer password?
Wife: It’s our anniversary date.
Me: Ohhh.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You have no idea, do you?
Me [closing laptop]: Yes of course I just don’t want to use the computer anymore.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 6, 2020
I’m a procrastinator who married a procrastinator and it does not bode well for our household.
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) January 30, 2020
If you can live with a person telling you the end of every movie as soon as it starts, then marriage is for you.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 8, 2020
